Have you ever been imprisoned?
I'm not talking about being placed in a cel. You can still breathe in a cel. You can walk. ever so slightly. You can blink. If you have an itch, you can scratch it. You can still see, and feel…use all your senses and know that you exsist in some place, even it it is small compared tp the real world. You still matter.
Thats not the case if you are a statue.
You see. normally..when a stonebind is placed on yopu..your entire self..senses, thoughts..even dreams..as well as your body,,,would become frozen in time. You would cease to exsist..until the caster invited you back into exsistence.
Fiona is a special caster. I was being punished for a wrongdoing, and she wanted me to think about it..consider the error of my ways while time was frozen around me. She told me that it would not be for long..depending on how long it took me to reconsider what I had done and..repent.
I had thought long and hard..and after a year of arguing with myself and continously staring at the same scene before me..after dreaming of freedom and not really minding that I couldn't interfere with Death's scheduiling… I felt that I had finally come to terms with what I had done. I was ready to apologize..even to Death..if thats what it took to be again. Only a year and I was ready.
Then the second year passed.
Perhaps this was Fiona's way of punishng me further..for my lack of respect for her. I had ceased calling her Mother quite a while back. maybe she wished me to atone for her perceived lack of respect on my part. That wasn't going to happen here. I was here for my crime against Death…not to pay for her being a poor parent. She could keep me here til doomsday..but I would not falter in this. Never would I call her Mother again. She didn't deserve that title.
By the end off the third year, I was begging my Mother's forgiveness..and calling her Mother as well. Its amazing what depths you will sink to ..to exsist again. To matter again.
I had spent that third year dreaming mostly..it was a kind of escape. Allowing my mind to ander..but not good enough because I would always wake up and be in the same nightmare. Only I couldn 't stretch or yawn..couldn't splash water on my face…couldn't even laugh or smile. Only my own thoughts and inner voice would answer my questions, my pleadings, my apologies and my wishes back.
I spent the fourth year going over different theories in my head..spell theories mostly. I was trying to think of ways to expand my mind through magic. The principal was that magic should work here, because I was still under some form of spell of my..Mother's.
Of course, if this were her own personal shadow…where all the rules are up to her..and she didn't want me to get away…then any magic of that nature would be her's alone to utilize. But perhaps there were otherr ways to get away.
Like killing myself.
That would be an escape, although a final one. But at the end of the fourth year…I Was ready even for that. I kept thinking of different spells that would bring me to that point. Cardiac arrest, expanding, Increasing nitrogen levels..bringing the flora and fauna in the intestinal tracts to unnatural life….expanding and increasing one's personal gravity. Teleporting flesh only, leaving the skeleton behind. It became a daily ritual..thinking of ways that I could die. I became so fascinated with the concept that I had failed to notice two more years slowly trudging by. So I kept dwelling on that fo as long as I could..another year maybe,,before I gave up on that principle and just thought of other magicks that I could focus on. Death would come when she arrived…she had a schedule, after all.
I know what you are thinking. What was the worst for me? Not being able to touch or hear or feel or live. My Mother had truelly done something evil to me here..for one of my greatest escapes was right in my hands. My frozen, unliving hands. One of the few treasures my Mother had given me in my life..now a cold, still reminder of what I may never feel again.
My Stradivarius violin.
I could see it in my hands,..and I could almost feel and hear the places it brought me when I played it. That last time in Central Park…I remember every note I played..and even some of the words I wanted to have along with the music.
I felt like I was crying..but statues don't cry. I screamed my defiance..at God, tne unicorn..my Mother…anyone who would listen. But as much as I hated everything and everyone that was living while I was not. I couldn't bring myself to hate Death. She was the reason I was herre..but for some reason even I didn't understand…I knew it wasn't her fault.
I sunk deeper and deeper into self thinking. I would allow myself to peek every now and then into what was occuring outside of the prison of my body..but it was always the same. It never changed. I started having daydreams,.,.actual sleep was impossible when I would wake up wanting to scream and not being able to.
In my daydreams..I went out on a date with Death,. She could become mortal one day a year. It used to be one day a century, but there were so many beings in exsistence now that she needed better vacation hours,. She was just like she was when I first saw her..excspt there was a blush in her face,.,.and I could see her breathing and feel a pulse in her hand. And I could touch her..and see myself in her eyes. We kissed..and I have to say that if her kiss of Death was anything like her mortal kiss. I can see why some of us die smiling.
She would always apologize for making me imprisoned..and I would always say that any entrappment was worth it, if I could spend but a few of these moments with her.
My imagination was the gateway out of where I was. It got to the point where I ceased worrying about time out there..and focused on all things inward. I continued doing reseach on spells..not all of them worked but some principles were interesting to contemplate. I wrote a few novels, in my head. I had my Stradivarius, in my mind's eye..and I played it along with many differing symphonies again and again. I had finally completed my song of Death. I hoped I could actually play it for her when she came to me again. For the final time.
I was into the middle of my twentieth novel when I sensed something. Or at least, I thought I did.
I had been inside my mind for so long that I wasn't sure if I could climb back out…to the gray empty world with the lone house, unmoving dark clouds and my Stradivarius held up in defiance before me.
Understand..I had imagined and dreamed of something like this many, many times..almosy innumerable to count..but I knew I could count them all if I put my mind to it.
The first thing I did was confirm that it wasn't me doing this. I blanked out everything and focused my concentration on the outside. My inner sense..that told me when my Mother was coming…was not functioning, just like the rest of my senses. But there was something here. And it was not from my dreams or from anything I had previously known.
Out of the corner of my always staring forward, unblinking eyes..I caught the first glimmer of it. It was a small glittering star at first..A tiny dot of hope on the hoirizon..It skiiped along the clouds…almost as if it were searching for something. I noticed that in all the grayness of this world..it shone…like the beacon of freedom that it was..It fluttered and flew..and as it got closer..I perceived that it was actually spinning..a diamond shape cascading in the air and getting closer and closer…I could feel power emenating form it. Even in my present shape. It seemed to stop and notice me then…and as it came to within a few feet of me..I noticed it looked much like a large mirror. Only instead of a reflection of the dull, gray world that had been my home for many, many years…it was reflecting different images.
I saw people..many people..shifting inside its silvery frame. Old and young..men, women..and beings that were neither. The images flew by at great speed, and yet I observed each one. Finally..it settled on an image of me..playing in Central Park. Was my hair really that color? Is..that what grass looks like when its green and unfrozen by time?
It shifted and began moving closer to me. I wanted to say something, anything..but I was still held in place by my Mother's power..faltering as it now was.
And yet..I knew that whatever this was,..was not of my Mother's will.
So..I looked iinside it..and knew that even if Death awaited me in its depths..that woukldbeb far better than what I was now,
I welcomed the darkness with an open, inviting mind when it came upon me.